I invented the Evil Writer’s Award. It sprouted from my nefarious brain.
And then, in a truly shocking turn of events… I got tagged to do my own tag? Which is actually quite fun! I couldn’t help but answer the questions in my head as I thought of them, so why not expose my evil crimes before you all? And use a whole lot of Moriarty while I’m at it…
A huge thank you must go to Lucy
as well for thinking of me, the Evilest of All Writers!
Let’s plunge right in.
How many characters do you typically kill per book? And how many people have you killed in real life, dear? Do you… feel any remorse about this? I’m concerned about you.
Hmmm. I kill off about five important characters – let’s say characters that I bother to give a name – and a couple hundred random bodies. They could be soldiers in a battle or a small village of people that get blown up or a town that has a deadly pandemic sweeping through it.
So… it looks like my death tally is rather high?
Do you prefer to use weapons of mass destruction like explosions and famine and world war or more personal torture like killing family and friends and pets?
I am embarrassed to admit that I prefer more distant methods of destruction.
Gasp, I know. Am I even evil? Do I even qualify for this award? I doubt everything now…
The truth is… I’m kind of squeamish. So the amount of torture in any of my stories is quite low. I do kill family members on occasion, but I don’t get gritty with it. I don’t get close.
Explosions are my favorite. But I also use fire and meteors and wars to kill off vast numbers of faceless crowds.
Are you more like Loki, who perpetrates great evil with a creepy grin, or… give me a minute… Darth Vader, who secretly weeps inside his… fake head, whilst destroying the world?
Oh man, I weep.
I get oddly emotional while writing, okay?
I kid you not, I got watery eyes when I had to kill an innocent girl and almost cried over a particularly moving chapter with a grieving father.
I am such a weakling.
Alternately, I grin evilly, knowing what pain and turmoil my words will one day cause.
There is a sort of pride that comes with knowing that you nailed the sad parts, okay?
What is the most dastardly crime you have ever committed as a writer?
Ah, the truth comes out.
Well, there was that one time that I murdered an innocent teenage girl through betrayal and then stoning.
Or that time when a toddler was killed in an earthquake and my character had to perform a one-man funeral.
I’ve had characters bury their children, their burnt parents, their siblings…
I’ve had a character unknowingly carry around a corpse for an entire day.
Characters have lost limbs and other items of importance.
Which of these was the most dastardly?
I’ll let you decide.
What kind of chocolate do you most like to devour as you burn things? White, milk, semisweet, or dark? Bonus points if you are so evil you find unsweetened cacao palatable!
Actually I’m not changeable at all.
I just wanted to use that quote because I love it.
Milk chocolate gets sickeningly sweet after a while and I hate white chocolate with a passion, so its semisweet for me.
And about the unsweetened cacao… It’s okay, but I don’t love it. It requires a ton of milk.
And I mean a ton.
What is your villainous title? You may not have “Evil Overlord” because that one’s mine.
Well, this is awkward.
I kind of built my answer into this question, so…
Evil Overlord it is!
Which of your characters would actually be a match for you if you were to duke it out one on one?
All of them!
I am tiny, okay?
I know it isn’t evident since I have such a big personality, but I am 5’2″ and barely a hundred pounds.
Hatari could kill me in seconds. Isabella could outwit me even quicker.
I am no match for any of my villains.
Which character, in all the many books you have undoubtedly written, is most likely to be your Archnemesis?
This is a good one.
Who came up with these questions?
I think Hatari is a good foil for me. We aren’t exactly opposites… but don’t they say that the Villain should be like the flipside of the Hero?
Do you wear a cape? Face paint? A mask? Special underpants? Or do you hide in plain sight… like Moriarty? Give me details!
Oh, yes. I lurk in plain sight. I look so innocent.
My tiny stature and my skinny jeans and baggy T-shirts and pink tennis shoes. No one would ever suspect me.
And thus concludes my expose…
I think that we can all conclude from my answers – and most especially from my taste in chocolate – that I qualify as a True Evil Writer.
I feel like I should be awarded some kind of badge at this time? But I didn’t make one to hand out, so…
This is awkward.
And no, I’m not tagging anyone! I already tagged everyone I wanted to tag when I invented the tag. Besides, I think Kenzie
takes the cake for the most evil writer I know personally.
Now I need to know – what is the most dastardly crime have you ever committed as a writer? What is your favorite kind of chocolate? And what is your Villainous Title? Tell me everything!