Don’t get me wrong, this is an undeniably adorable movie.
And an oddly nostalgic one for me personally since I vividly remember watching it the night that my parents brought Timothy home for the first time. He actually interrupted my viewing of it and I do not believe that I have ever finished watching the animated version. Ever.
But that is a post for another time.
We are gathered here today because I hate convenience. That’s right, folks. I hate it. Convenience is not okay. Things must happen for a reason – in stories, at least. Sure, random coincidences are a thing, but the plot absolutely may not hinge on them.
And while that little boy with the bizarre red underpants is cuteness overload and Baloo is my spirit animal – literally – the new live-action Jungle Book had a few moments that were just over the top.
Number One – Buffalo
Once upon a time, there was a little boy chatting with a panther in the tall grass. All is well. Alas, but the little boy is being chased by a tiger – which, according to my calculations, is actually a recipe for Death. Because, prepare yourself for a little-known fact here, tigers are, indeed, faster than human boys.
But the panther has instructed Red Underpants what to do – run as fast as you can. Never fear, Underpants. This is sure to end well for you!
Enter buffalo. A whole stampede of them, in fact. They happened to be, uh, stampeding nearby and ran by just in time for Little Underpants to grab onto a passing pair of horns and hitch a ride.
And I am left wondering how Wise Panther knew. Are buffalo kind of like trains, always passing a certain point at the same time every day? Has this happened before? How often do he and Red Undies practice this feat?
Number Two – Bear
Once upon a time, Red Undies was having a polite conversation with Scarlett Johanssonn. Things were going just swimmingly. Except for the oft-forgotten detail that Scarlett Johansson is a boa constrictor and she is squeezing the life out of poor, small Undies.
Enter a bear.
That’s right, a bear. A brown bear, to be precise. Strolling in the jungle. Because brown bears are typically found in tropical jungles, you know.
Bow to my superior knowledge of brown bears.
Number Three – Tree
Little Red Underwear is in trouble. An unusually large orangutan is trying to kill him. Poor Red.
Desperate to escape from the collapsing ancient temple that is Massive Orangutan’s dwelling, Undies actually throws himself out of a thirteen-or-so story window. Normally a drop from such a height would prove mortal but luckily for this underwear-clad young gentleman, someone has planted a large and seemingly soft tree just under that particular window.
Red Underpants emerges unscathed. Adorable as ever.
Number Four – Language Learning
Once upon a time, Little Undies was educated. We never see this onscreen, of course, but I would say he attended a rather prestigious university based on all the languages he knows. It is truly remarkable.
He can speak Boa Constrictor, Brown Bear, Panther, Tiger, Orangutan, and Wolf fluently. Unfortunately, it is not enough. Gibbon and small-pear-stealing-cat still evade his grasp.
Looks like our friend Underpants needs to head back to school…
But seriously. This movie is precious.