I am learning many things this November.
One of the most important, however, is mastering the art of procrastination.
I am a truly gifted individual. Thank you for noticing.
As this is acknowledged to be a rare talent, I thought I would let you in on just a few of the ways procrastination can ruin your chances of winning NaNoWriMo.
You are welcome.
1. Bathroom breaks
I don’t know if it was just my body revolting ahaint the idea of writing down actual words in coherent sentences, but it seems as though I am trotting off to the bathroom at least every five minutes.
2. Water breaks
This is only is only slightly more legitimate than bathroom breaks.
For those of you who don’t know, I hate water.
I dont know who invented it, but it is a disgusting substance and I despise it with my whole being.
And so it rather laughable that I take breaks to drink it.
At least it’s a healthy form of torture?
3. Reading other people’s blog posts
I have never been so involved in the bloggish world than I have been this November.
So if anyone has anything pressing they want to say and are hoping I will take notice and read it, now’s the time, folks!
4. Surfing the internet
Another thing I never do.
Honestly, I’m beginning to wonder if aliens have hijacked my body?
If somebody could go find the real me – most likely it is in Mars somewhere – that would be most convenient.
5. Hiding from my book
When my little brother asks what I’m doing under the dining room table I tell him, “Reorganizing.”
I don’t think he believes me…
6. Snack breaks
Even though there are no snacks at my house.
Because we are healthy around here, obviously.
So I wander around moaning for snacks or pretending to ransack cupboards for the snacks I wish were there.
At this point, I am definitely more concerned about our lack of snacks than I am about my strange imaginary-snacking habits.
One upside to imaginary snacking is that you don’t gain weight! See? Positive thinking!
Eating meals is a great way to procrastinate.
It’s also necessary to stay alive, but we’re getting off topic.
8. Fresh air
I like the outdoors.
It is quiet and peaceful and there is no paper anywhere.
This is the part where I go outside and play catch with my little brother and nearly freeze to death.
Whose idea was this anyway?
My little brother says it was mine. That I dragged him out here.
I give him skeptical looks.
10. Interacting with humans
You wanted proof that I’ve been abducted by aliens?
Now you have it.
11. Thinking of brilliant blog posts I could write
Ever wonder how I come up with my brilliant posts?
Now you know.
Wonder what I was supposed to be doing when I came up the idea for this brilliant post?
You got it!
12. Thinking of all the parts of my book I would rather be writing right now
Because the scene ii greener on the other side, as they say…
Or, at least, they should say.
13. Thinking how unoriginal my book is
It is so unoriginal…
If it had a face, I’m pretty sure it would look just like Katniss. And Frodo. Combined.
14. Staring into space
I spend hours doing this.
Space is beautiful. I want to live there someday.
15. Staring at the page
Which is almost as riveting as space – but not quite. In case you were wondering.
16. Listening to the music that is supposed to help me write
I don’t multitask well.
This is particularly evident when someone turns on music.
Whatever I’m doing comes to a screeching halt. My slams shut. My pen is suspended midair.
My brothers have learned that the only way to get my on is to turn on music I like.
I just can’t resist it.
17. Lip-syncing the lyrics to the songs that are supposed to be helping me write
Because the howls of pain that break out from all over my house when I sing out loud are so unanimous that I don’t feel I can argue.
18. Dancing to the music that is supposed to be helping me write
I like to dance, okay?
And besides, I didn’t ask for your permission. I do what I want…!
19. Updating my word count
More fun than actually writing the words, right?
20. Realizing how little practical knowledge about my book I have
I thought I was so prepared. Such a good little plotter. I mean, after six years of writing – make that trying to write – the stupid thing, what could I, the author, possibly not know?
Um, that would be everything.
How good at procrastination are you? What is your favorite method? Do you hide from your book? Where do you hide? Tell me secrets, teach me your ways – that we may all lose NaNo happily together!