Forget Sneaky Grandma and Dirty Grandpa.
I have some real presidential candidates for you to consider.
Jack Shephard has all the qualities of a great leader: emotional volatility, mental instability, and terrible luck with women. He also has the ability to come up with inspiring speeches without the hassle of planning them out beforehand. And, should the zombie apocalypse occur during his presidency, his jungle-sprinting skills will come in handy as well.
Jack Shephard For President
Kate Austin is a voice for the voiceless of the world – the baby boars of the world, for example. Strongly feminist, Kate believes that women should be able to go on every single jungle trek that the men go on, even though she will ask them repeatedly to slow down and occasionally get taken captive and used as leverage against her friends, endangering the whole mission. And if the regularity with which she jumps back and forth between Jack and Sawyer is any indication, she will serve America with unparalleled faithfulness and dedication for many, many years.
Kate Austin For President
James “Sawyer” Ford is for the individual. Himself, to be specific. Admittedly despicable, his snarky banter and his abs make him a clear choice for president. Sawyer also has an answer to the immigration problem – anyone who isn’t white will immediately be labelled terrorist and deported permanently. One thing is certain, under Sawyer’s guidance, America will never be the same again.
James “Sawyer” Ford For President
Benjamin Linus’ goal has always been to pit the enemy against itself so that it will fall apart. Many military leaders consider this the most brilliant campaign strategy of our time. With his deceptively soothing voice and faux friendliness, Ben is sure to win the hearts of all Americans and then enslave them to do his bidding.
Benjamin Linus For President
John Locke cares about your kids. He will enable them to rebel against their parents, reject their parents, and burn down their parents only hope of escape from a desert island. John Locke also firmly believes in arming the general public – specifically the minors.
John Locke For President
Often accused of being less-than-involved in his campaign, Jacob prefers to remain behind the scenes, preferably in the shadows. Many people consider him an “unsung hero.” Though Jacob is a man of few words, the words he does say are sure to pack a punch.
Jacob For President
Who would you vote for?