Women come from the East.
(This is the exotic creature scientists are calling Woman.)
We’re not exactly sure where “the East” is, but since they are always heading West… it’s basic logic, okay?
The East is a place of big cities and refined manners. Everyone in the East is educated and rich, so obviously women always are as well. Filled to overflowing with modern ideas, radical feminism, and the independent spirit, women have but one choice in life — heading West.
The Wild West, to be specific.
Why? Because in the West, people are rustic, uncultured, and in desperate need of schoolteachers. Always.
I mean, let’s be blunt here. People who have physically demanding jobs and no money are always illiterate and ill-mannered. They need all the help they can possibly get from compassionate and beautiful women who have been pampered and waited on their entire lives.
It’s easy to imagine how the parents of such fine young women feel. Pure pride shines in their eyes as they send their daughters off to change the world, one disgusting town at a time. They are, of course, quite confident that any near-death experiences will be detailed for them in frequent letters that they have no intention of responding to. That’s how it always goes with girls; they love to write, even if they don’t get letters back!
Since there are always plenty of caravans full of friendly strangers heading West, these plucky schoolteaching girls feel perfectly safe… until disaster strikes! Every last one of their traveling companions are killed and all their possessions stolen.
These heroic heroines are not to be deterred from their calling, however.
(These strangers are definitely friendly.)
Fate has spoken and determination will carry them through. As the sole survivors of such great misfortune, each of these women start to have a real sense that luck is on her side — and always will be!
You could almost say that having a hundred or so people murdered before your eyes, all the wagons smashed, and the horses stolen is a sign that this isn’t just some impulsive notion, pursued thus far on a whim. If that hadn’t happened… we wouldn’t feel quite sure.
Besides, the doting parents back home always send exactly twelve crates of books and five more of fancy Parisian dresses when such things happen to their daughters. It’s pretty much an expected bump in the road at this point.
The next step is easy — the pampered city girls walk, of course! It’s not like they are used to being driven everywhere in a fancy carriage and have no athletic capabilities whatsoever. Seriously.
And so these fiery young women march on foot into an appallingly tiny town that has only two buildings worth noticing at all — a general store, where they will go straightaway to supply all their needs, and a saloon, which shows them immediately just how depraved this town is without their guidance.
Much to their chagrin, beautiful and intelligent women who are terrified of mice are apparently not warmly welcomed by obviously inferior populations of towns such as these? For some strange reason, their wondrous ability to read doesn’t seem to impress them much.
This is all quite new to girls who are accustomed to earning the respect of their peers and the attraction of all men with their oft-remarked-upon beauty, ability to carry on a witty repartee, and complete lack of practical skills like common sense, respect for authority, and cooking.
(We are all quite familiar with how attractive it is to a man when his potential wife is able to burn literally everything in sight — whether it is the dress, the house, or the biscuits.)
All prejudices are dropped in about two days, though, because women are born plucky and full of unconventional ideas. Even though they consider quitting when they see bugs, dust, and unbathed children, persistence always wins out and the townspeople can’t help but admire that winning trait.
Not to mention a much larger problem. A more subtle problem. One that is never spoken, but is clearly felt by everyone involved.
You see, all of the children in the town appear to be younger than ten, while all the adults are older than forty-five. The dilemma is clear: they are in rather desperate need of fresh breeding stock.
And lest you despair of this happy hope ever coming true, never fear!
There is one — and only one — handsome man in this town.
(It is almost scientifically proven that only one eligible man can live in a town at any given time. That’s just how these things work, ladies.)
Where all the other young men get away to is… unclear. And where these muscular hotties came from is even more of a mystery!
Not that we’re complaining — our eyes are in sore need of a reprieve from scruffy outlaws and sinister mayors who take each and every opportunity to flaunt their superiority by drinking sophisticated liquor and wearing the only waistcoat to be seen in town.
And just like women are always from the East, men always work in Law Enforcement. “If he isn’t a sheriff, dump him,” as the leading experts say.
And these lonely heroes come in just one variety — the Homegrown Variety. These guys are country boys at heart. They were not raised in cities, and certainly do not know anything about city life.
Just because the women from the cities are good and pure does not mean that the same is true of men. In fact, if you are a man from the East, that automatically makes you a conniving liar and mercenary fortune-hunter.
Men from the East simply cannot be trusted.
Homegrown Boys are different. They believe in respecting their mommas, attending church, and assisting women in and out of carriages… but they also have an appreciation for the highest Thing of life.
A truly rare skill, and one that reveals not only genius, but also character. Only persons of great and deep character have an interest in the art of reading, after all.
Speaking of reading… these heroines are schoolteachers, you know. We get to see some remarkable glimpses of these women in their natural habitats in these shows and it is everything one could hope for.
Of course, children are naturally rebellious and stubborn and despise learning in all its various forms. But the schoolteachers are gifted with patience, determination, and the ability to cry over just about everything and that serves them well with all the children that cross their paths.
Mainly they teach the children to read… since that is the only skill these girls have a handle on.
Do they succeed? Do the beautiful girls ever begin to despair of making the dingy town as refined as they are? Does the school break the law so much that constant Law Enforcement intervention becomes necessary?
…in the next installment:
When Calls Jack An Idiot
(When who calls Jack an idiot? We don’t know. All we know is when.)
*Any and all credit for this post must go to my hilarious friend Alyssa, who wrote a way funnier post about the Love Comes Softly series on her blog.
**This is a generalization of what happens in real life. Any similarity to Love Comes Softly or When Calls The Heart is just a coincidence.
***I finally learned how to make small print and that pleases me.